When You're Chosen, Heed the Call

So what happens when you spit in the face of the hockey gods? Bad things. They work in mysterious ways. What happens when you spit in the face of the hockey gods AND offend Foppa in your first season?

REALLY BAD THINGS.

First, you make it through your rookie year pretty alright. Alright? Awesome. You posted 39 goals and 63 assists. You became the youngest player to reach the hundred point mark. Things were awesome! Damn. You even got a spread in GQ! Sure, those shirtless photos will haunt you the same way "The Penalty Box" haunts Dave Shultz, but you still got coverage in a magazine that exists outside of Canada! That's pretty great! But then it all started falling apart...

See, the gods decided that they would start throwing you curve balls. Two balls in fact, attached to something called an "Alex Ovechkin". I know, scary. This thing was fast, had a killer shot, and did something called "hitting". It also scored a lot of goals.

It also won the 2006 Calder Trophy for rookie of the year.

Whoops.

But you made it to the playoffs! That was cool! Oh wait. Your foot got broken. But you tried your best to appease the hockey gods by keeping your mouth shut about it. They recognized your offering and gave your team an Evgeni Malkin, who's the lite version of their Golem Alex-O.

But then the mouth started yapping...and then you tried to get too cutesy.



The thing is, all you had to do was lift your legs up. Or shift your weight. Or anything. But you had to watch your handiwork, ignoring the wall. One should never ignore walls. They are dangerous things, and in the pocket of the Hockey Gods. After all, it's their rink, you just skate in it.

21 games. That's what ignoring the gods gets you. Oh, but Hockey Jesus is a pesky one! He bounced back and went on a tear, dragging his all-star caliber team to the playoffs, and not just any playoffs, no! They went to Squidsville, Hockeytown, the whole smear! They went to the Stanley Cup Finals! Sure the Pens were down, and the really needed Sid the kid to fight the squid, and he was bringing it!



Ah yes, the pariah of the Gods, Brad Stuart! He has found his redemption! The holy power of the check rendered Sid ineffective for the better part of a period, when his team needed him the most! Alas, there was no cup for the kid. None. Maybe next year. But until then, the rest of the league has one clear decree from the Gods:

Hit. Sidney. Crosby.