When You're Chosen, Heed the Call

So what happens when you spit in the face of the hockey gods? Bad things. They work in mysterious ways. What happens when you spit in the face of the hockey gods AND offend Foppa in your first season?

REALLY BAD THINGS.

First, you make it through your rookie year pretty alright. Alright? Awesome. You posted 39 goals and 63 assists. You became the youngest player to reach the hundred point mark. Things were awesome! Damn. You even got a spread in GQ! Sure, those shirtless photos will haunt you the same way "The Penalty Box" haunts Dave Shultz, but you still got coverage in a magazine that exists outside of Canada! That's pretty great! But then it all started falling apart...

See, the gods decided that they would start throwing you curve balls. Two balls in fact, attached to something called an "Alex Ovechkin". I know, scary. This thing was fast, had a killer shot, and did something called "hitting". It also scored a lot of goals.

It also won the 2006 Calder Trophy for rookie of the year.

Whoops.

But you made it to the playoffs! That was cool! Oh wait. Your foot got broken. But you tried your best to appease the hockey gods by keeping your mouth shut about it. They recognized your offering and gave your team an Evgeni Malkin, who's the lite version of their Golem Alex-O.

But then the mouth started yapping...and then you tried to get too cutesy.



The thing is, all you had to do was lift your legs up. Or shift your weight. Or anything. But you had to watch your handiwork, ignoring the wall. One should never ignore walls. They are dangerous things, and in the pocket of the Hockey Gods. After all, it's their rink, you just skate in it.

21 games. That's what ignoring the gods gets you. Oh, but Hockey Jesus is a pesky one! He bounced back and went on a tear, dragging his all-star caliber team to the playoffs, and not just any playoffs, no! They went to Squidsville, Hockeytown, the whole smear! They went to the Stanley Cup Finals! Sure the Pens were down, and the really needed Sid the kid to fight the squid, and he was bringing it!



Ah yes, the pariah of the Gods, Brad Stuart! He has found his redemption! The holy power of the check rendered Sid ineffective for the better part of a period, when his team needed him the most! Alas, there was no cup for the kid. None. Maybe next year. But until then, the rest of the league has one clear decree from the Gods:

Hit. Sidney. Crosby.

Why Hockey Jesus, Why?

The dark days were upon us. The forces of good and evil fought over things that we could not understand. The stakes were as high as they could be. There was nothing to look forward to...

But then, out of the darkness came a shining light. HIS name was Crosby. He'll save the game, the world, and give boundless love of the puck to the masses. He'll do it all. He's young, he's a champ in the making.

"Wait until you see this kid!", they all said.

And lo, HE was amazing! Skills that blew away everyone else! A sixth...no a sixth and seventh sense of where the puck was and where the goalie wasn't! HE was amazing, insane, the saviour upon saviours! And then it started...



How could HE? Is HE just...human? A whining 18 year old that's bought into his own hype? Why Sid? WHY!?!

So as Adam and Eve were cast out of Eden, so has Sidney been cast out of Pucky's good graces. From now until my fingers fall off it is Pucky's mission to chronicle the suffering of Hockey Jesus at the hands of the league's best and worst. I bring to you a mission, a passion, a goal. I bring to you HITTING SIDNEY CROSBY!!!

btw, credit to MYFO and all the other blogs that came up with Hockey Jesus! Credit where credit is due. Really I just want an excuse to post pictures of Crosby getting whacked.